You know, you might think that in the still of the night, it should be really quiet and peaceful right?
Think again.
Its been some time since I have been (really) awake in the wee hours of the morning. After loads of procrastination and 10 episodes worth of anime, I have finally decided to get down to work.
At least not before blogging what I am about to blog.
I was just about to settle down to work (finally), when I heard from the drawer where I kept all my watches; an alarm going off. An alarm at 0300 in the morning didn't seem very useful or logical for that matter. But this was an alarm that brought back tons of memories.
0245 - An alarm way back in some where out there in the middle of nowhere to wake all of us up so we can board the bus that would bring us to the airport to board the plane that would bring us all back to home sweeeeet home.
0315 - D-Day, H-Hour. Go Go Go!
0500 - After a (almost too brief) shut eye, its back to putting on that boots and uniform and stumbling (barely awake but strangely fresh) onto that craft that would bring me that much closer to home.
0520 - As much as I wanna snuggle in bed for that little while more, I know I have to wake up to go to the toilet to go about my business properly, else the whole day would be affected.
0730 - Roll Call.
1130 - Lunch is piping hot and ready to be served!
1330 - 2IC weekly meeting, time to catch up with my fellow 2ICs.
1650 - Gotta get out of the pool, wash up and then travel.
I think I can go on for a long long while, but I think I had bore you enough. Gets pretty nostalgic huh? Wonder would it ever ever be the same?
So here I am in the middle (though not so middle since I am way past midnight) of the night, trying to get my work done, but instead I am posting. Now, why does this sound so familiar? :D
Apart from the beeping of my (nostalgic) alarm, there was a couple more sounds:
"The Heart of The Matter" by India.Arie set on repeat on my Media Player.
The hitting of the keys on my laptop.
The spinning of the blades of my over-worked fan.
The slight snore of my brother in the same room.
The stuck nose that I have.
And the rest of the uncomfortable silence in my heart. Its so loud that I can't seem to hear myself think anymore.
What was I thinking (again) ?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again
I've been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
From India.Arie > The Heart Of The Matter > Sex and The City
The title says it all.
I wanted to get a view of the earth
I wanted to be your lonesome cowboy
I wanted to love you ‘til it hurt
I wanted the right to misbehave
To satiate my crave
I put these things aside for years
Until laughter took the place of tears
It’s like I was asleep, yet now I’m here, I’m here
I wanted to take your place just sometimes
To know the things you know
And why you did the things you do
To say no one time and believe it
Oh I wanted so much, but only needed you
Wasn’t it just my choice to make
The bed in which I laid
I put these things aside for years
Until laughter took the place of tears
It’s like I was asleep, yet now I’m here, I’m here
I wanted to be able to talk without the interruption
I wanted to sing exotic words
I wanted to find a way to put an end to all of my destruction
Wanted to know what I was worth
Wasn’t it just my choice to make
The bed in which I laid
I put these things aside for years
Until laughter took the place of tears
It’s like I was asleep, yet now I’m here, I’m here, I’m here
It’s cosmic
I.
Singular.
Us?
A Few Good Friends is, quite frankly all you need. I mean other then the basic stuff like Air, Water and Food la.
People come and go and more often then not, they slowly fade away. Although sometimes they go out with a bang; or better still; they go out altogether - without you that is. And there are those who ends it all with silence.
Defeaning Silence.
Oh well. Too bad for them, for missing out what they are gonna miss out.
I tell you.
Really.
A Few Good Friends is hard to come by.
And.
A Few Good Friends is really more then Enough.
This week is/has been pretty insane.
Monday I left office at about 4pm to go see the doctor. Tuesday I was on MC. Wednesday I came in as normal. Thursday was a public holiday. Friday saw me blogging in the office.
Talk about being on and off at work.
In the end, there wasn't any sun in this dawn either. I should have known from the start, but hey, doesn't hurt to try right. We'll never know till we tried.
Talking about the sun, the weather these last week or so has been incredibly hot. I would wake up in the mornings all hot and sticky, machiam I ran in my sleep.
Random: "Miss, you look tired. It must have been all the running through my head"
-_-
Things ain't the same recently. I haven't been able to blog properly and stuff, though I am always on my own blog when I am online. Come to think of it, it is rather creepy. I would be on my blog eagerly waiting for new entries. Problem is: it is my own blog.
I recieved in an email from a friend/buddy/colleague/fellow PM of mine an invitation to "be linking these blogs to the website."
Imagine in the next newsletter: "Respectable Member found to be using illicit ideas and languages; and broadcasting wry messages to the masses through his Blog.".
The horrors.
I went ahead and gave my blog address to them anyway.
I wonder what I am thinking sometimes.
If I am even thinking. That is.
Let's hope the decide not to chose my site for the linking; though the prospective of increased hits does sound good.
This morning, while I was on my way from my office's carpark to my office. I noticed a group of grass-cutters preparing to slice and mash the tall grasses from my office surroundings. Thinking to myself, I can do with some of those wonderfully soothing aroma of freshly cut grass. 3 hours later, I was on my way to the toilet when I noticed that the grass was still standing tall and proud and all ditzy from the insane sun and that something was missing.
When I was in the toilet, it occured to me that the soothing aroma of freshly cut grass was missing.
And then.
I caught a whiff of the lingering potassium in the toilet.
And that was it.
It is still the same after so many years. Looking back, it has been 5 long years since it happened. I am not sure exactly when it did, but I am very sure it did.
How do I know?
Because I am the only one in it.
The furthest distance from you is when I am standing next to you. The furthest one so far was when I was standing next to you at the airport. Really.
Years back, I scroll for your name on that list of MSN of mine. Even till now, I am still scrolling for your name on that long list of MSN on mine. I am not sure either, but it is always such a mixed emotion when I see you online. One of desire and disgust.
I feel like one side of a pair of chopstick, always a pair, but never together. So oriental. We are.
But. I think for the good of all of us, it is really time to move on.
Now that a new chapter is beginning, or at least I hope it is. I can't belive I did this but, all I did was smile.
I hope the sun raises from this dawn this time.
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